With one hand bracing the bowl and the other steadying my balance, preventing my falling in three possible directions my stomach hurled me in, my body jerked forward again and again to the rhythm of ridding insides. Friends. I thought about Mel and how she laughs at my cheap jokes and my life's lower moments. I thought about Hannah and how she has so much to do with the way in which I grew comfortable with myself, thoughtfully so. I thought about Linds and how much her personality counteracts my weaknesses. I wondered, what would my best friends think, what would my ex-boyfriends think if they saw me like this. This crumpled mess. An uncontrollable, and now empty, heap of clammy, cramping and colorless body. This is the stuff we're made of, half indifference, half malice." - Blindness, Jose Saramago. In action and in reaction, my body has proved this to be true.

I think of my friends as balance, holding me up against and over that toilet. Lucky is the wrong word. Blessed is a good substitute. I understand. We are dominated by scripts. I write them, my neighbor writes them, my classmates write them. They have been written for centuries. They have controlled the way in which we organize ourselves in the world. We are nothing extraordinary like our mother's promised us. Everything in us, and everything around us is meaningless, slow and repetitive. Our motions aren't new, they are reused. Our life is a motion, a word, a love away from being someone else's. Behind the acting that we would never fess up to is more acting. We are very Beckettian (in relation to Samuel Beckett - the last writer known for his outstanding and upstanding scripts).

So as I was framing my face around the last thing you ever wish to be staring into and as my body was speaking to me in the most vulgar and misunderstanding of ways, I thought to myself: living is crying. Some people require a bypass in order to live longer. I bypass that which isn't required in order to live longer. Which is more - living to bypass, or bypassing to live?

I will get better. With all that I have and all that I've wrote, I already am.