my first mistake was grabbing my yankees hat this morning. it was on top of the pile. but i knew i needed a hat to wear when i give my presentation this afternoon and i was in a hurry to get going. it's not so much that it makes me think of him, or that i see him when i look at the logo; i can smell him when i'm wearing it. every third or fourth breath, it's like he's right next to me.

i'd spend the rest of my life with him. but the rest of my life starts now, today, tomorrow. the rest of my life is unknown, but i had to make a choice. i chose to start the rest of my life without what i believed to be the love of my life. i didn't like the option, in fact, it scared me. it still does. for four years it's scared me. but four years is a long time to be in what feels like an idle relationship. and i've told myself before that it's ok to be scared. good things come from being scared. but this year has so far proved to be too scary, and too much. where are my priorities? do i wish he was still a priority? of course. do i wish he wasn't afraid to fly to Italy with me? yeah. do i wish he could have made me feel like the relationship was worth all the "second" chances? yeah. i'm out of second chances. i'm over feeling second best, which makes me feel like i've made the best decision. i never speak up. i always try to stay out of the way, but i messed up. i know i'm not second best, and either is he, but my motivation is coming in clear.... and his isn't.

and it hurts like a bitch.