you'd probaly be upset to find out that i've censored myself. i wrote two things almost a week ago that i thought would hurt someone's feelings, so come morning i deleted them. i know exactly why i did it - why i deleted them. "come morning" is the name of my guilt parade. something happens when i sleep, something along the lines of forgiving, as if the clouds have blown over. it's nonconsensual, but i always go with it. this says a thing or two about who i am and i'm not sure if i'm ok with it. i deleted two very heart-driven and gut-hating entries. do i feel the same way come morning, that i did while i wrote it? it's like how a dinner goes cold. the food's still there and it may very well taste the same but the heat has evaporated.

whether or not i forgave in my sleep, i found myself forgiving wide awake. i asked myself a few questions and i came to the same conclusion, only this time it was a little more sound. it's hard to sit back for four years and recognize that the thought i'm thinking at 4pm today is a replica of so many others two or three years ago. for the time being, i'm concentrating on new thoughts, new places, and new people. in fact, come Friday i'm going on a mystery vacation with one of my best friends and i'm pretty fucking excited. when do i ever do stuff like this? when do i ever pull over off the side of the road and grab a beer at a lodge bar? when do i ever throw caution to the wind? so.... i'm just going to do it. and hopefully in these next couple of weeks i begin to feel new again, and alive.