what better than to sit here, in the dark, listening to the midnight currents filter through the voids of my window. the only sounds exposed are the electric rush of my power strip, and the shuffling and brushing of objects coming from my brother packing his belongs in the room two doors down. i could do two things: laugh at tonight's misery, or cry. crying comes easier these days, forcing laughter hoping nobody will notice. you know you're in trouble when you find yourself trying too hard to fake it, and exchanging a fake smile for a 'i know you're bluffing.' it's hard, but what the fuck else am i supposed to do? day in, night out, it's 'this is life, it's only life'.... life, for crying out loud, is a crock of shit. i mean, the fact that life is supposed to be hard, that's a crock of shit. that's what we keep telling ourselves in hopes that we'll realize that it's actually easy. it's like studying for a test two weeks in advance only to realize you shouldn't have wasted so much goddamn time.

my room is too small to produce shadows. there are just blurry, black silouettes. i am somehow comforted by this. i've been fed the line in the last couple of days: oh, that's nice, you're going home for the weekend. no, it's not nice. it's not nice that i'll have to face the same sobbing issues that have consumed so much of me in the last year. it's not nice that i will, again, do the push-and-pull with the only thing in my life that i wish would just push and pull itself right into nonexistence. my life is one big antithesis. i sit here, in the middle of my bed, which also happens to be the middle of my room, and i can't help but think how comfortable i am here, alone, silent and gridlocked. i am bored, and i can't move an inch because i know that three inches away i will also be bored. in fact, three hours away.... bored. three states away.... bored. i am constantly battling boredom. i can't figure out for the life of me, if it's me or a wrongly construed emotion. am i bored, or am i plain? i am broke, therefore i am plain, therefore i am bored. not only am i bored but i am angry in love. the only love i know is one that isn't good for me. i know love as deceiving, detached, and unsatisfying. electric - off and on. maybe i know love as lust. i would like to look back and say i had a good first love. but it's turning out that looking back isn't what i need to be doing right now. i need to be looking straight ahead (not back in the day), destination in mind. looking ahead, doing what i love, receiving love wholly and kicking boredom to the curb.