i keep looking over at my composition notebook - my newest one - wondering if i can go back to the place in the photos i have taped to the front cover. London. there's one of me in front of Buckingham Palace, smiling big, almost roundly, with smaller black and white figures walking to and fro in the background. looking at it now, i remember a girl with a zeal for taking chances and fresh starts. my smile has undergone some changes in the last year. today, my mother (using that word distantly) canceled my grad party. that's fine, i said to myself after reading her email since she couldn't even cold-heartedly phone me. who in the hell am i to have a grad party in a hardly-a-home anyway. i don't have anything to celebrate with a person who doesn't feel like celebrating. i can be proud of myself by myself.... not that my parents aren't proud of me, but conceptually. eh. i guess every party has a pooper.

the clock reads 6:29pm, finally ending three hours of rigorous job applying. it's almost like a sport. something you've been training for so long. all you want is for someone to see your name.

i need to not be at my house anymore. i need to make a major life decision - and i can't do that until someone offers it to me. maybe i'll move to Dubai.