i have a hard time imagining how certain parts of the last three years of my life will play out. i was having a dumb girl moment tonight while writing an essay for a grant application. i'd click on the safari icon, watch my gophermail homepage load itself in a matter of seconds. i'd guide my cursor to the upperleft dot in red and make the final click. the click i wish was death. i wish i could click it once and not have to click it again. but that first click initiates a parade of clicks, each of them 49% confident that i won't retrace my clicks.

the introduction paragraph burns a rough drafting square in my mind. i say 'bye-bye' and tell my urge to kiss off, but the last thing it does is slip away. it claws at the mush that took months to unclog from, what i wish it became a part of, my framework. yeah, i'm the "good guy." i'm the angel. i'm the victim.

i put my headphones on in an attempt to distract myself from the rain pilling on my window. that didn't help much because the Oz-like chant, "email, email, email," sounded on. i should know better than to repress a strong lust to shed words. i laughed, drank my day's second cup of marshmallow-bobbing hot cocoa, felt the warmth my computer left on my bed and launch blogger in hope of some relief.

i think i found it.