i told myself i would try to write more, so here i am...... writing. actually, i'm publishing straight to your computer from my bathrub in my bathroom in St. Paul. it's without water. i needed to mix it up; i needed a place to write, but i didn't feel like undressing so this seemed to be a reasonable compromise. i wanted to be the only substance to fill the empty space. this too, is clarity. i realized this morning that i need to change my hair color. i need to change my sheets. i need to change my diet. i need to change, i need to change...... i need to redecorate. yet i've enjoyed feeling like an old soul the last couple of weeks. it's one of the only things i can say with honesty that i have enjoyed. despite time, i had given up alcohol..... until saturday. reunited with my best friend was one such occassion that prompted some good drinks. too bad my body has got its dukes up, because i had about two drinks and might as well stayed on my ass for the remainder of the night. but i managed to even puke and rally for the first time in my life, shake my bank and hear myself laugh a good laugh. i may need change, but i needed this past weekend more.

is it a bad sign if a canvas stays leaning against the wall, begging to be hung, for a month? one of the tables beside my bed is entertaining the company of clutter... books, magazines, candles, photos, loose paper. is there a welcome mat that i'm not aware of? lately, i have gathered that i may enjoy feeling like a mess. it's what i am, so i suppose coming to terms is the next step? sister hazel would call me a beautiful mess for admitting. i feel far from, but i've been sleeping better without the sedatives. it's one less thing i have to worry about, nonetheless.

i'm rubbing my eyes, and i think my lavender lotion is finally doing its job at destressing my senses....


"i drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way
the messes that i made
but my secrets are so safe....."
-rascal flatts, 'everyday'