how is it, that being considerate is both a blessing and a curse? there are two kinds of people in the world: the people who would run after you for a block because you dropped $5 back on the corner, and then there are the people who complain that there aren't enough people in the world who do that sort of thing. well in my own, upsetting, personal experiences, i have come to learn that the whining, ignorant kind of people are the ones would who like to think that they are the only people that exist, hence their reasoning for no one chasing after them. sometimes, i feel like i'm the one who's always chasing, and i'm constantly surrounded by people who seem to think that people like me don't exist. i'm constantly, and maybe consistently nonexistent. i've tried to talk myself out of the idea of karma, that it's all rubbish. but then i arrive at a most-similar idea, that if i don't believe in karma, that too will come back and bite me in the ass.

so why is it then, that i know some people who say and do bad things, often intentionally, and get away with it? and i try it once, often fullheartedly because i think they deserve a little criticism and the banter comes back and makes me look 10 times worse than the first person?

and why is it, that i feel like i'm the only one who takes time out of my day to be careful, to be quiet, to be extra-gentle or extra-attentive? i'm obviously not. i'd be making some serious generalizations.... but i feel it all the time, and if i feel it, you'll hear about it.

people don't get it. people don't even take time to sit down and try to get it. but if i went on to say that maybe a little less than half the time, i really don't like people, i would turn into second kind of people i described. and maybe that, too, is my problem... i like to think that everyone has a million chances. how should i look at it.... life's too short, you deserve another chance, or life's too short, go try again elsewhere?

i know i'm an unlucky drawer. i've never won at bingo. i've never won a scratch off. in any contest i've ever entered, i've never heard back. but come to think about it, the only time my name is drawn at all, as if it's some sad consolation-we'll-try-to-make-you-feel-special-even-though-we're-putting-you-out prize, it's when i don't want it to.