the ache is more than you are able. for someone like me who has never broken a bone, it's a pain i can imagine but not put my finger on. it's like losing a person close to you and then waiting for that wound to heal. i watch, quietly, as all these people around me go through a time like no other, a time hard to keep track of. it's something of a vague nature. pretty soon we're all going to be attending the same masquerade ball, afraid to show our faces. the colors we were painted in begin to fade. we begin to bleed beyond the color-by-number line.

no one writes letters anymore. no one sends mail. the people i wish would don't. the people i wish i didn't have to make wishes about consume my wishes. coincidently, i end up wishing i wasn't thinking about them while standing at the bus stop, wishing the wind didn't make me think of them, wishing that void didn't exist when i wake up in the middle of the night. foolish dreams. i'm almost done with these. i should give up on all that doesn't last. but how about the 'don't give up on anything you can't go a day without thinking about' and all the other fluff we like to lean on? all this emotional trickery... thank god Halloween is within reach; i can go on pretending and no one will notice. a bright life of promises will let a person down. if i'm promised one more thing and that promise goes astray, the word will no longer exist to me.

then, there's my life two years ago. was that really me? two years ago, i would have been waking just in time to catch the Tube. but today, the whole 'hide and seek' thing is growing tiresome. patience patience, i tell myself. i live in the dark half of the time. i have actually started to pray again. it's weird, me praying, yes. there's a lot to pray about, many to pray for, good health to think about, the weight of our smiles to withstand. everyday, with the sweep of a hand, i reach out towards the world without even thinking about it and then i go through the motions. where am i going?

i hope someone hears my prayers, i don't care who. anyone is fine, really.