i can imagine myself fourty or fifty years from now abusing delicious red wines, romantically consuming the delicate juices, laughing nostalgically between sips. of course, the vino would be accompanied by vintage friends. what else is there to live for, other than the memories we fold away, the weekends we look forward to and talk about for a week after the matter, the men (pussies - right Mel?) that we accidently fall in love with, the frustrations turned fortunes. last night i had a dinner date at a Lebanese restaurant in West St. Paul. it was a night of firsts -- first Lebanese meal (it's a new favorite), first bellydancing show, first admittance that red wine is so much more amorous than chardonnay. i've never considered myself to be a voyager with foods. i'm more of a gourmand than gourmet.... oh, but no longer.

the last nine months have been taxing on both my mind and body. i need to make some adjustments; i am detoxifying. i picked up a few books on healthy living. i've given vegetarian and vegan lifestyles a little 'time of day'.... maybe even more than a few hours. while i have decided that i can't exactly commit to going vegan, ever, i'm expanding my knowledge and most importantly, i'm ridding myself of crap. now, while it may seem that i'm referring to food when i say 'i'm ridding myself of crap,' i want you to know that i'm referring to every aspect of my life. i enrolled in yoga, i'm rehabilitating my knee (which has allowed me to start running again after biking all summer), and i've set aside a time every night for writing, by hand, in a journal. i can't ignore the art and the release that journaling possesses.

and if you must know, as i'm embarrassed to say, i am TRYING...... haha, i am trying... to go light on the coffee. notice how it's 'go light' and not 'give up.' the acidity isn't doing my stress any good, right? so i'm taking the advice, and taking the weaning route. green tea is my new vice. i'll spare you the details, but i have to admit: i feel like i've reignited my British roots (if there ever were any). i can barely imagine my life without java.

i feel like i'm staring at the rest of my life through the window of a greyhound bus. i'm moving fast, but it's steady and the stops are frequent. i'm working on putting the worrier in me on the backburner. afterall, if i ever have children (ugh), the worrier will be out twenty-four-seven. this month has been about grievances. it's been about mending, adjustments, taking chances and thinking differently. i have the things i need to worry about, rightfully so.... and those are the onlys. but my nightstand prayer book has given me courage to keep at it and strength to truly understand what is going on with me. if i'm here, i'm going to exist.