i'm working on self-affirmation. the "now" and not the "then." i'm working on taking it one minute, one emotion, one task at a time. i called New York today around 5pm their time, right before they closed. one of the coordinators made a verbal note of it, but she laughed. i couldn't. i turned down the position, and i bit my tongue until it bled. it's like the same Oak Street corner has my tearducts handcuffed to the flashing crosswalk sign. i believe that a similar opportunity will cross my path another day. everyone is going to think that i'll regret making this decision. how can i not, really? but i refuse to graduate in another year's time. in another year's time, i want to be flying to NYC to sign a job contract, not for an unpaid three-month stint. i'm hypersensitive, but i know i'm strong so i'm trying to fight it. or not so much fight it, but learn it and understand it. and i'll try again in a few months. in the meantime, i'll work on coaxing my roommates to drink some tequila and gin with me. and i'm definitely going out to buy a new pair of shoes. high heels. real high.